Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
