i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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