My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Drunk is not a location!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
