the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
