soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Randomize
