I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
