The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
