i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
