Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tell her she can't have a vagina
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
