Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
