My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I would ride that face into the sunset
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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