I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
