But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
