i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
