Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
