totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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