I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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