I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
