i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
