so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
