dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
