spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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