just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
