Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
