So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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