carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
