i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Do you still have your period?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
