don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
