at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
