True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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