that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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