Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
