just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
