Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can text with my tongue
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
