My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
