from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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