Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
someone owes me an orgasm
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
