i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
