Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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