I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
