so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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