I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
