upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
