Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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