Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
