you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My vagina is very pro this idea
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
