Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
