Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
