just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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