I hope mine doesn't look like that
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
What drink are we having for lunch?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
