And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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