No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
