I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
