My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
