Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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