so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Is it because I queefed?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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