Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
