Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
