just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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